Forgiven

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in the frustrating parts of life that we process them out loud to trusting ears. I've been guilty of that, and I've been subject to that.

There was a time in my life where so many different things were going on that there wasn't any way to keep control of them all. The frustration of trying to keep everything under my own control drove me crazy! In the process I wore out a beautiful friend's ears. She still doesn't admit it, but I know it's the truth. My memory plays out with a daily dumping of all my anger, disgust, fear, loathing, anxiety.

Now I realize it was truthfully a lack of control, misunderstanding...lack of seeking God's will, lack of realizing that everything wasn't about me....

Oh, to go back to that time and do things differently. I'd love to process things with prayer and quiet listening to His words. It would have been so much easier to let Him control my heart without my mind getting in the way-My pride getting in the way.

It's embarrassing to think of how I acted. Why didn't anyone slap me? Well, if I'm honest, I would have been afraid to confront me so why should I think anyone else would.

Thankfully there was finally a day that God screamed so loud that I heard Him. Loud and clear He said, "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!" then He added, "You don't have to fix it. You don't have to do anything. Let me do my work." I can remember that moment like it happened twenty minutes ago. The peace that flowed from my soul was like a cool rain on a hot day. I didn't take another step. Didn't say another word. My mouth stayed agape mid-sentence and my eyes didn't blink. I heard Him- Thank God, I heard Him.

He turned me around physically and spiritually. I felt my lips form into a smile, my shoulders relaxed and my heart beat happily. It was wonderful. I walked out of that situation and never went back. Choosing to stop going down the path where Satan kept luring me; telling me things I thought I needed to do, say, fix, control or be a part of that I really didn't.

I finally let myself be free of the chains that kept pulling me under. Not to mention my sweet friend. Thankfully she doesn't admit to remembering all my ramblings in a manner unbecoming! It turns out, she had so much going on in her life that she may not even been listening to me at all! That's fine with me, but I wish now I had been there for her instead of trapping her in my rants.

Since then, I've found it easier and easier to give everything to Him, and He blesses me.

I'm still the nutty gal I always have been. Strong willed, determined, not AS controlling- but I'm changed. I walk a little slower and with a different gait, but it's with a new confidence and a whole new peace. I'm volumes smarter and growing every day. Growing in faith. Bolder in my calling and stronger in His will.

2 Corinthians 2: 10-11 "To who ye forgive anything, I forgive also: for if I forgave any thing, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ; Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices."

I'm forgiven by my friend and I've forgiven myself. I had to. Forgiving myself was part of the healing that Christ promised with His blood. Once I forgave myself for my actions, and asked my Savior to forgive me for not seeking His direction, help, guidance, will or even taking the time to talk to Him at all, of course He forgave me. In turn, my relationship with Him has grown so much. I look forward to reading His word, spending time in prayer, learning more of what He has for me to do.

2 Corinthians 4:3-4 "But if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost: In whom the god of this world (satan) hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them."

Shame on me for allowing Satan to blind me with his lies. 2Peter 3:17-18 "Ye therefore, beloved, seeing ye know these things before, beware lest ye also, being led away with the error of the wicked, fall from your own steadfastness. (18) But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen."