Leave the Darkness, Run to the Light

I've been here before. Why did I leave?

I've had days when it's all around me. Where I'm so covered up with it there doesn't seem to be a way out.

At first I don't realize it and I just move along, fighting for direction, stuck in the mundane. Slowly I realize I'm falling. I look for the light, but it's so dim I just continue to wade through the miry dark and it starts to feel like weights on my feet. Finally, it's heavy all over me and I succumb to it. It seeps into my soul, invades my mind, and I sit in it.

Thoughts take over and add to my misery. I want a way out. I know the way, but I consider other options. Options that could seem easier.

I'll admit it, I've thought about death, considered the finality of it and how it would make things stop.

There's been times where I didn't see an end to the suffering. I have made messes where I couldn't stand myself and didn't feel worthy of anyone else's care. There have been times when I didn't feel deserving of the life and gifts and blessings that I had been given. GIVEN. I didn't earn them, they were handed to me. I've felt so disgusted with myself that I didn't want to continue to trouble this world with my presence.

Each time I've been in that place where finality seemed like the answer, the easy way out, the light came through. It didn't instantly drive out the darkness, but it came.

As I realized-no-as I admitted how selfish I was being it began to shine. It came on when I looked in the face of love. It shone bright when I let myself receive peace.

How dare I seek an easy way out! How disgusting to throw the gift of life back in my Savior's face! How ridiculous to seek a quick remedy to a short time of darkness when the answer is so readily available and free!

Why did I leave this place?

This place where I can get a heavy dose of relief at any time. This place where there is no bad affect from having too much. Why didn't I stay where I knew how easily I could get a quick fix, where the high is everlasting and beyond explanation? Why? What made me turn away?

This morning as I looked at the stars before the sun came up pouring His light onto the world, I wondered; did You fling the stars or did You place them one by one? Why did I stop gazing at them and marveling each one? Why do bad things happen? Why do we take things for granted?

I don't know why I left here. Maybe I got complacent, but I pray I don't leave again. This place where I feel full.

His grace is free, it's healing and it's true. His love for me exceeds anything I can fathom and I'll never feel that I deserve it, but He never asked me to. His mercy is never failing and always perfect.

I won't always have rosy days, He never promised that. He did promise not to leave me.

When nothing makes sense and I feel like I'm falling back into that place, He's there waiting for me to look up. His light is always on. And He reminds me too, that no matter how I feel about

myself, there's someone out there that still needs something from me. Until that need is met, I've got work to do. He has equipped me with everything I need to accomplish His plan for me, and He's got a big one-that plan.

Today I sing along with the worship songs I usually bypass. I'm not a fan of live version of song, but today the words hit home. He's pulled me out of the darkness, He lives and He loves me.

I've been redeemed. Have you?

Psalm 107:2-3 "O give thanks unto the Lord, for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. (2) Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy"

Isaiah 44: 22-23 " I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed thee. (23) Sing, O ye heavens; for the Lord hath done it: shout, ye lower parts of the earth: break forth into singing..."