Scarred
Scarred.
By definition means: a mark left on something following damage of some kind.
I know many people with scars and some love to tell the stories of how they "earned" their scars, wild tales of crazy stunts, ignorant challenges and daring feats. Sometimes they're from childhood accidents or tragic events, surgeries or modifications of different types and degrees.
We try to avoid them. Ointments and special treatments can sometimes minimize the appearance of scarring. Make-up and clothing can cover some scars, but what about the ones you can't see? The ones that are deep and so very wide...what about those? Where's the advertisement for the miracle emotional scar ointment?
How can you keep from inadvertently opening those unseen scars? If you have them, how do you keep them from emerging unwillingly? Do you cover them with man-made salve in the form of substance like pills, food or alcohol? Something other? Maybe you push them down. Keep pushing, pushing, pushing. Every time that scar tries to come back to the surface of your mind you push it back with something else, a better thought; different memory. Maybe you're so good at covering up your scars that you sometimes forget they're even there.
As I mentioned, some people like to tell about their scars. I've got some that I don't mind sharing limited details of; one on my chin was from banging my face on the counter while sticky hands slipped. I have scars from birthing each of my children. There are also scars I carry that I don't talk about, they're emotional- I'll say that. I haven't necessarily pushed them down to forget them, I keep them around to help me. However, I have lost hold of them from time to time and allowed them to make me guarded, unapproachable and bitter.
Being on-guard all the time is heavy work. Imagine the armor of a Knight; a full set could weigh up to 110 pounds. That would be like carrying my daughter around everywhere. Sometimes emotional scars can feel that heavy. As you trapes around with all that weight, you begin to walk sluggardly; your shoulders begin to drop and your back starts to bend. Finally your face will grimace and eyebrows furrow as the burden of it grows. A frown will embed itself on your face and you will begin to groan and grumble. Who would want to approach you in that state? Perhaps someone who looked like you, someone who was also grumbling and groaning. Together, your grumbling and groaning grows and feeds on the other until you become bitter. Now you're a mess. A grumbling, groaning, bitter, Ogre.
It's amazing how a transition can occur. Sometimes it can come over you quickly, other times it will metastasize. Like a cancer it takes over bit by bit. At first it isn't very noticeable. Over time, as you think about it, it grows. You start pushing things aside to allow it more room to flourish. Daily chores, activities, sleep, even eating may be twarted. Soon, getting dressed is an effort. Now friends are not friends any longer. No one understands you anyway. Who needs 'em. You choose to just sit in your bitterness and let it eat you. Family? Ha, they don't really care. They just want you to get on with your life... That's what Satan wants you to believe. Satan is a liar.
Oh, Satan was effective for so long. It was so easy to hear him and believe that I wasn't important. Why was I even living? What did I have to give anyone...I thought I should just crawl in a hole and feel sorry for myself, no one would even care.
I tried things to divert Satan's taunting. Creating useless novelties that no one wanted made it seem even more true. Wearing myself out physically with backbreaking work to try to make myself feel worthy only made me tired and sore. Alcohol finally began to just make me sick. Everything I tried just backfired. The hole in my heart was definitely not Satan shaped.
After spending a year sorting through my bitterness, I slowly began to peel off the lies- layer by layer. Each time I would peel off a layer of rejection, lies, undelivered promises, I replaced it with a truth.
Satan told me I wasn't needed- Jesus gave me Isaiah 41. The whole chapter! He said, the ones that made me feel that way would be challenged. He told me He would take me by my hand and help me and He promised that I was His servant and He would give me the tools I would require to work for Him.
Satan let me believe I had been forgotten- Jesus reminded me: "I am with you always". Matthew 28:20. Then He added: "Go ye therefore, and teach all nations...".
Satan screamed to me hatred, distrust and lies you can't imagine. Then Jesus came back with: "I have redeemed you...You are mine". I read through Proverbs, and will continue to read through Proverbs. You can't tire of reading the Proverbs.
Goal setting and list making are like fuel to my brain. I love them both. Achieving goals gives me energy like no candy bar. Marking things off my list is like waking up from a power nap! During Christmas break I love to transfer my old calendar to a new one. I can look over the year and see all that has changed, and add new goals. January 2014 began my year of healing. My goal was to get back into church. I had already decided where I would attend and I marched in the doors that Sunday with a "clouded" hope. Determined to start fresh, I still carried a little hesitation because I did not trust people. Not allowing anyone in insured that I wouldn't have to go through any of the things I had been sloughing off for a year. So, wearing my solemn face, and my best jeans, I walked into that tiny, country church ready to try life again. I knew in my heart that's what I needed; to be filled back up. Of course, God showed up too. To say He wrapped me in His loving arms just doesn't cut it. Each time I entered those doors, it became easier and easier. All the barriers I had thrown up started to fall away.
Finally, I am a totally different person. Each beautiful soul in that building are my family. Some of them are the black sheep, yes, but I pray for them. I can forgive, I just don't forget. (That's Bible) They have baggage they need to unpack- I've been there. I'm still working on ridding some of the souvenirs I had packed up, but man, my carry-on is getting lighter and lighter as I learn to "Let go and let God" -for real! It's so much easier to just let Him love me and it can't help but spill out to those around me. The love He generously douses me with lights up my world and empowers me to be a light to others. He's filling my cup, and my "toolbox" just like He promised.
...when I'm found in the desert place, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's 'all as it should be, my heart will choose to say, "blessed be your name". Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, still I will say, Blessed be your name! ~Matt and Beth Redman
