Who Am I Anyway?

I’m just an old woman who likes lumpy Cream of Wheat, Whiskey in my tea, comfortable clothes and my quiet time…

But I get frustrated with things too.

Why do people run around with their pants in a twist over stuff that isn’t really all that important? Does this bother me because of the place I’m in during my life? Have I gone through enough bologna to see things in a different perspective? Do they think I do the same thing from their end of the scope?

I remember when my kids played sports and were in school, they were the best of the best. Their activity was the most important thing going on. Why on earth would anyone want to do anything besides watch my kid do their thing?!? They were the best at it and everyone should just watch the greatness of them.

That’s how I saw it.

Life had to stop when they had something going on. Period.

Now I chuckle at parents who stress out over their kid not getting enough playing time, not getting on the right team, getting knocked out of the race, whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go for the “Everyone gets a trophy” thing and “it’s all about the fun” garb. I believe in some competition and the lessons in winning and losing. But it’s not the only thing that keeps the world spinning.

Who are they as a person? Are they kind, considerate, sharing, respectful, responsible? Do you spend time with them at home? Do you do activities with them like read to them, color with them, eat dinner with them? Do they have chores and responsibilities? Have you taught them to wipe their own butt????

Sometimes I think about how I could have done things differently. I would have been a better friend. I would have tried harder to teach my kids how to do more for themselves. How to cook, clean, mend clothes, create things, solve problems, care for others, be kind. Why do I get along so well with one and butt heads so much with the other? Why did I allow one to succumb to the frustrations we had with each other and not persevere in teaching them more patience and problem solving? Was it beyond me? I wonder….

I’m grateful for the things we did do together. For the time we did have together and for the adult they’ve become in spite of the things I’d like to have taught them better…they’re learning on their own. Thank God!

But, who am I anyway?

I’m a mom. I think that’s my most important title. It’s my second favorite. Nana is my favorite. I almost feel I have a second chance with the grandkids, but I really don’t because they have their own parents. It's just that I learned so much from my grandparents that I’d like to be a good role model for my gbabies.

I’m a wife. That’s my most important title right now. It’s not my most unfavorite, but it’s not my favorite. If I had to pick. I love being a wife. I almost feel that’s my most accomplished “job” and I’ve taken the role very seriously. Surely I could have, and maybe should have done a better job all these years, but it is very serious and most important to me. My husband is my team mate. He’s my partner in life. My best friend. I should be able to tell him anything, trust him with everything. And I do. I should want to take care of him, work with him, understand him and support him. And I do. He’s part of me. Without him I’m not me. I pray for him daily, miss him when he’s not beside me, look forward to seeing him, hearing from him, just being with him.

Who am I anyway?

I’m not me without my family. I don’t feel whole without them. I love my God and I lean on him when I feel empty. I know I need to give him more of my heart. I’ve got to realize that doesn’t mean I have to love anyone less. I just need to stretch my heart out more and let it be full without fearing something will squeeze out. With his grace I can love more. I can make more room for love in my life…I don’t have to be so guarded and cold. Scared. Just come on out and admit it…I’m scared. Scared to feel the pain of loss. I don’t want to even think about it. I know God will help me through anything. I just don’t want to have to ask him to.

So. Who am I?

I’m a mushy, squishy lump. Walking around on eggshells praying that nothing in my boat gets off kilter.

Who should I be?

The strong, not strong willed, just strong. Strong in faith. Sure, loving, giving, caring, responsible, respectful Wife, Mother, Nana that I am created to be. Godly. Faithful.

Is that who others see?

That should be me.