Gloom and Doom…I Have No Room!
Yesterday was just one of those days. The morning sky was blue and gloomy. It just set over me and as hard as I tried, I just couldn't get out from under it. The day before was trying, and now this...As much as I wanted to, I couldn't bury my head; I had too much to do. There are many mouths to feed and many bodies to care for in my world, so I fought the fog in my head as best I could. Busying myself with mundane tasks worked for a little while, sweeping the porch, mopping the floor...I just wanted to sit in a ball and let the darkness take over. Even while running errands I had to fight the urge to space out while I was driving. I think I put on make-up, but I didn't even brush my hair. I just didn't care.
As the day drug on it just seemed to get worse. I kept singing praises in my head and trying to fill my mind with positive thoughts; anything to get out of this funk. What was going on? Was Satan attacking or was God gently preparing me for something heavier? How do I know? Do I want to know?
I just straightened the mask I wear and vowed to deal with it later. I don't consider myself a "worrier" I know better than to exhaust myself with worry...right? As things kept tumbling and threatening to put me in despair, I told myself, "It could be worse. It'll all work out. It'll be okay." I put the blame on myself and was determined to carry it until I could let God deal with it when I had a minute to turn it over to Him.
Just when I thought the day was coming to an end, I was taking off my boots for the last time and already feeling the warm comfort of my bed, when I heard the conversation my husband was having with my son. As my stomach turned over and my heart started to hurt, I didn't wait another second. I did the only thing I knew to do, the only thing I could do- I prayed.
As I prayed for guidance and comfort, I also struggled with the peace I felt. I didn't want that peace, not yet. I hadn't finished my prayer! I needed to finish conducting this thought process that I was having. He had to understand what I was asking for here. Yes, I want His will, but I want it this way. My way. Clear-Fast-NOW. "Do not mistake my request God!" and He weighed heavy on me. To ask for His presence to be felt, and to feel it so completely...is pretty indescribable.
We knew all we could know for the moment; all that was left to do was wait. My number one most un-favorite thing to do in the whole wide world. Wait....
Standing in the hot shower I kept my focus on any positive thought I could muster. Typically I would try to figure things out. I need to know WHY. What caused this to happen, why did this happen, how could I have avoided it...but my mind wouldn't go there. My heart wouldn't let it. Jesus is in my heart- He kept His peace there and guided my thoughts back to prayer and praise. One by one the things I could thank Him for came to mind and so I praised Him for those little/big blessings. Each moment, God would tell me that He's in control as I fully came to realize that not one part of this did I have any control over. I was doing the only thing I could. My kids know what to do, and they were doing it. They had donned the Armor of God themselves and were banning together to wait too. James 5:10-15
~Father God, Thank you for confirming daily that you love us more than we can fathom. Blessing us in big ways and in little ways to remind us of your love, I'm thankful. Please let your glory reign today as you watch over us. Guide those you've put in positions of service and healing. Make sure every technological masterpiece is used for good and that no stone is left unturned. My desire is for perfect healing in order to continue a perfect little life into perfect adulthood, but I understand your will is perfect no matter what we think. Give us grace and mercy as we wait for you. Thank you for your perfect love, Amen
