Obstacles

Do you ever have days where it seems that nothing goes with any kind of ease whatsoever? Oh-my-gosh, that was yesterday for me. The simplest tasks were like the hardest things ever! My whole body hurts, even my toenails. 

It’s okay to have off days. It’s alright to allow yourself to take a “breather” right? That’s what I’d tell someone else that’s feeling the way I am. I’d be so quick to give them permission to take off, so why can’t I do the same for myself?

I hear about “Self-care” and how so-and-so is great at it and I guess it’s a big deal right now...while I pick at my toenails and wonder what my hair looks like. 

Hit a wall, bump in the road, obstacle in my path; no matter how many analogies I can come up with the truth is, I’ve been smacked in the face with a reality; one I’ve been dodging all my life. 

It’s weird to be faced with the obvious, but that’s exactly what has happened. 

Reading a post from a writer I enjoy, I was energized by her words. Why? Truthfully, because she’s bold and strong enough to write them. Confident enough to be honest and vulnerable...that doesn’t sound right. She sure doesn’t seem vulnerable to me...is that why I’m not open and confident with my reality? I’m not as vulnerable as I think I am?

I love how matter of fact she is. She doesn’t sugar coat her situation or make it sound any different than down-right-real. No blah blah fancy words or yada yada feel sorry for me.

Sometimes I have trouble with words, so I look them up. One word I’ve always had trouble with is disabled. To me, Dis=Not. I fought for verbiage in this area to make sense for years: 

“They’re not dis-abled, they’re differently-abled.” They can do things, just differently. 

“They aren’t “special needs children”, they are children with special needs.”

“I’m not handicapped, I don’t even like golf.”

In my own situation I’ve tried to thwart the obvious:

“There’s nothing wrong with the way I walk, you’re imagining things.” 

“I didn’t do anything to my leg.” 

“A horse damaged the left one so it makes the right one look smaller…” 

Geez, what a dummy. Did I expect people to buy all that? More likely I pushed concerned people away and I probably missed out on some pretty amazing relationships because of my PRIDE; lets just call it what it is okay? 

In truth, I told myself that if I didn’t admit that I was having issues I could overcome them. In fact, not admitting them probably made them worse by pushing myself too far and causing pain and damage to what muscles I have left. 

Today I looked up disability: a physical, mental, cognitive, or developmental condition that impairs, interferes with or limits a person’s ability to engage in certain tasks or actions or participate in typical daily activities and interactions.  Nowhere does it say, denounces, denys, dissuades… 

Impairs, interferes or limits...OR not AND. Not all encompassing. It’s a varied description. Different for everyone. 

Okay, I can understand that. Good thing too since I experience a bona fide definition of that every single day. And that writer told me it is an “OK-positive word”-Disability, so I’m trying to embrace that thought. 

Yeah, I walk differently. I'm not just drunk all the time. My expression is often, twisted into a snarly grimace because every thing I do is an effort and likely causing me pain. But it’s okay. I’m learning to ignore the looks, or at least I’m learning to not look for them. I am who I am and I’m made how I’m made and I do the best I can with what I have. How can I not be okay with that? Psalm 139:14 

I can be so accepting and advocating for others with disabilities, why can’t I accept and advocate for myself? God didn’t make me to hide under a rock, and I’ve got too many incredible role models to encourage me. The only thing stopping me from being more like them is myself. I’d like to be encouraging…I’m really a person who is full of joy! Honest.

Thankfully today is a new day. Instead of challenging myself physically, I’m choosing to challenge myself mentally, emotionally and honestly. I’m making my own twelve-step program and today is step one: Admitting. 

Hi, I’m Diana and I have a disability. I truly do. Amen and Amen. Today I give myself permission to not compare myself to anyone else, with or without a disability and only expect myself to do what I know I am able to at the level that I’m comfortable with. If I need help, someone should be blessed to have that opportunity just as I would be in their position. Yes, I can be loved as I am. No, I’m not expected to be the same girl I was 20 years ago or even 2 years ago. Some days, even two hours ago. 

If only I could channel that girl who longed to be a “Jerry’s Kid” that day while sitting in the parking lot of 7 Eleven and start this whole thing over...Oh the joys of reflection...No matter, I’ve still got time.  

Suiting up! (Ephesians 6: 10-20)  Peace out!